sponsorship

The reason every female you spot in a digital diversion boasts perfect proportions, gleaming white teeth, and, for lack of a better description, a tush that could crack walnuts. We, as horny males, rightly demand it be so.

In Defense of Virtual Vixens

It's not that adolescent males don't love Lara Croft's larger-than-life personality.

They're just distracted by the Double D cups she's packing (and no, we're not talking Dixie disposables).

Grown men, however, know better: we demand a little junk in the trunk too. Hey, when it comes to maturity, most of us draw the line only at public flatulence.

No surprise then - primarily, because the average twenty-something's hormonal levels read higher than Enron's old revenue reports - that the archetype of the hottie-cum-heroine has become permanently ingrained on gaming's collective consciousness.

Thus the reason every female you spot in a digital diversion boasts perfect proportions, gleaming white teeth, and, for lack of a better description, a tush that could crack walnuts. We, as horny males, rightly demand it be so.

LADY'S WORST

Critics love to harp on the subject. "Where's the personality, the intellectualism,... they inquire, voices aflutter with indignation.

And it's true - most pixilated pussycats, from DarkStalkers Chronicle: The Chaos Tower's sexy succubus Morrigan to Playboy: The Mansion's brain-dead blondes, have about as much substance as a pack of Twinkies.

Still, I say it's time we as gamers (and by we, I mean those of us who can pee standing up) make our opinions known. Let us remind those to whom characters such as Death by Degrees' Nina Williams represent everything distasteful about modern society: there's nothing wrong with a little escapism.

GIRLS GONE MILD

One thing we should get straight from the start. It's about superficial attraction, not wish-fulfillment.

Most men demand more from a member of the opposite sex in real life than pouty lips, a voluptuous chest and enough curves to fill out a Ferrari convertible (except, of course, Nick Lachey). After all, it's cooler hearing the wind whistle through the Grand Canyon than your lover's ears.

But ultimately, good girls - i.e. the ones modeled on real women, who are typically any of the following: sassy, smart, clever, curious, intriguing or ambitious - get the short end of the stick virtually.

Why? Well, isn't it obvious? At heart, the majority of game makers are males (although said demographic is slowly changing for the positive). What's more, they - much like many of us playing these things - are still the same little boys inside who went wild over Bobbie Brown's cameo in the video for Warrant's Cherry Pie.

And what we want are boobies. Big ones. The larger, the better. Preferably attached to a female whose IQ numbers in the double digits. Because, deep down, that's how instinct works; it's automatic, and I don't know a single male who'd say his first love ran any deeper than an erect nipple on a chilly winter day.

BREAST IN SHOW

Should we feel ashamed? No! At least, not unless our shame's sticking six inches out from our trousers in arousal. There's nothing wrong with celebrating the glory of the female form, even if it's been brilliantly distorted through the magic of silicon... and we don't mean implants.

A computer-generated woman with brains just doesn't grab our libido and shake like a rabid badger latched onto a field mouse's neck, as does her less subtle, yet saucier counterpart.

It's not any failing on said individual's part; more that of scriptwriters, who have yet to coax anything resembling depth or eroticism from female videogame leads. And no, Fear Effect's lesbian duo doesn't count.

Thus the reason even the blurred private parts and half-hearted romantic overtures seen in The Sims 2 prove more titillating than long, leisurely conversations with Broken Sword: The Sleeping Dragon's Nico Collard. Until game girls gain some substance, we as men won't lust for librarians over more lascivious types... unless, of course, they're the naughty kind.

MONEY SHOT

So whatever your stance on the matter, let us, if nothing else, come to a tenuous agreement. You, a conscientious human being with a tender heart and a dream of gender equality, can stick with Super Monkey Ball Deluxe all you like.

But I, a happily married man (wed to a scientist, no less), shall continue to seek satisfaction in Leisure Suit Larry: Magna Cum Laude.

Because there, unlike reality, the booze is plentiful, gross-out gags commonplace, and the girls... crap, man, they've got to be seen to be believed.

Games.net's Countdown to...