Atsushi Onita: The Man, The Myth, The Game

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Author: Ben Karl
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Nothing can be said about this man that he hasn't already done, illegally with government funds.

Atsushi Onita showing dismay after being ousted from the Japanese Government.

Let me tell you a story about a man. A man named Astsuhi Onita, who, despite having dropped out of high school, found success as a pro wrestler, then a politician, then a sleazy video game spokesperson. Yes, the story of Mr. Onita is a fascinating one. He is credited with inventing the "death match" style of wrestling and displayed his style in several video games and movies. Soon, however, Mr. Onita's famed wrestling status failed to get him laid and his addiction to young women had to be fueled by another profession. And so Mr. Onita did what every middle aged man does when they are no longer able to pick up sweet chicks at the movie theater in the mall - enter politics. After a 20 year-or-so educational hiatus Mr. Onita returns to school and is promptly elected to Japan's 19th House of Councilors.

Right now is when I bring Mr. Onita's new video game, Atsuhi Onita's Political Quiz for the DS, into the story. I'd say that he selflessly endorsed this game in an effort to educate the young masses about Japan's political system. But, to make the story more interesting, and closer to what really happened, I'll introduce a different game. It's called Atsushi Onita's Last Attempt at Getting Laid. In it, you play as Mr. Onita as he attempts to get barely-legals to sit on his lap while he autographs their backpacks. To assist in his quest Mr. Onita has the powers of old dingy fame, and misappropriated government funds. Once you hit 20,000 girls the tutorial ends.

Hey, Thanks: Kotaku.

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