Joanna Dark, poor Joanna Dark. Microsoft and Rare are putting all their eggs in one basket for their upcoming Perfect Dark Zero for the Xbox 360--and wouldn't you know it, Ms. Dark gets a "sexified" makeover as a result. What is it about making spies and assassins into cover girls? The Joanna Dark of old was a bit more butch, but that wasn't a bad thing. At least it didn't look like she just stepped out of a four hour marathon session at her local Aveda salon.
Since when do princesses play basketball? Everyone's favorite damsel in distress can't seem to keep herself from being kidnapped, but c'mon, you have to draw the line somewhere, right? With each passing title, Princess Peach has grown from an amorphous blob somewhat resembling a princess to a Bratz caricature gone awry. Apparently, we didn't get the memo that said princesses need to have short skirts, ditzy voices, and also play basketball (and golf). What's next, Mario in a dancing game? Oh, wait a minute...
When we hear the word "mega," lots of cool images come to mind. However, a prepubescent kid wearing blue tights and large red jewels stuck to his head does not. The Mega Man of old, while squat and misshapen, had more than enough attitude to take on the likes of Dr. Wily and his evil robots. But like all good things, the Internet had to come and ruin it. The Mega Man of today has become all Internetted (is that a word?), what with all his NT adventures, and just doesn't stack up to the fat blue hero from yesteryear.
Take a gander at that fine physical specimen. Full of piss and vinegar, the Mike Tyson of Punch-Out! days was a veritable man-god. No one could stand a pummeling from his ham-sized fists, and we all loved him for it. But then came the period of his life that we like to refer to as "the troubles." Several wives, assault cases, and face tattoos later, and poor Iron Mike is nothing more than a body on the canvas. Looking like a monster in the ring may strike fear into the hearts of your opponents, but we'd take 8-bit Mike any day. After all, Iron Mike beat Little Mac the old fashioned way, with his famous dynamite punch. Not by chewing his ear off or by eating his baby.
Ah, good ol' J Allard. Years ago, he was just like us: overweight, out of style, and a gaming geek at heart. But one day he began to spin a magnificent cocoon and months later, emerged as a beautiful butterfly! Actually, more like a thinner, balder, and more "in your face" version of a butterfly - the kind of butterfly that you would meet at a bar, and then would kick your ass and go home with your girlfriend. Apparently, butterflies are also the harbingers of the HD-Era, meaning that the rest of the world is just a bunch of analog moths until we fork out the thousands of dollars for the full Xbox 360 experience. By the way, now would probably be a good time for us to look into defending against libel lawsuits...
We count down some of the hottest games and gear in our annual Holiday Gift Guide! Brought to you by Nyko.
Charge your Wii™ remotes with induction technology. Wii Motion Plus™ and silicon jacket compatible.
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