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Can a game make you change your ways? In the premiere installment of Conversion Rate, we see whether the Christian war strategy title Left Behind can convert our resident heathen. Will Todd go with God?

Can't get enough of the apocalypse? Check out The Ten Best Apocalypses in Gaming and see if your favorite Armageddon made the cut!

This happened because you masturbate.

Todd's take:

I am not what most would call a pious person. I have memories of religion from my childhood revolving around hard-cooked eggs, fat men in jump suits, rock-hard-heart-shaped candies, and some starvation ritual having to do with palm leaves and lentil beans. I observed most of these things through the eyes of my friends, whose families were more concerned about the holy than mine, though my grandfather is a member of the church of Shirley MacLaine.

So I'm attracted to Jesus (religiously) because he seems much cooler than an aging actress with red hair. I have a large collection of t-shirts with the big man on them, as well as coffee mugs, and small wind-up toys. I even have a copy of The Bible Game for PS2 and Super 3D Noah's Ark for the SNES, both of which I keep on the shelf next to the gay porn, which serve as wonderful conversation pieces for when I invite in witnesses who arrive at my front door.

I recently hung out with a gamer friend of mine who's going though hard times. I went to his house to cheer him up and reassure him his girlfriend's recent conversion to lesbianism was not such a big deal. His mother had a similar idea, and sent a Christian care package. Inside the bundled basket, between a new bible and the book Someone I love is Gay, sat the most thoughtful of gifts for a troubled gamer, Left Behind: Eternal Forces. My friend was less than amused--he only likes "enjoyable" games--so I ended up taking it off his hands.

It's okay to punch her. She hasn't accepted Christ.

When I got home I opened the box and was happily surprised that it was bundled with a paperback copy of the original text. I stuck the disk in my PC, clicked on install and headed for the bathroom with my new book. After twenty minutes of reading what turned out to be erotica, I was excited to start up the game in hopes that it would be filled with the same tawdry bits that are in the book. I was sadly let down.

I played with the game for 10+ hours before I was forced to give up due to a bloody awful camera that kept getting stuck behind buildings, and unresponsive controls. This is the most time I spent playing a religious game. It is not because the game was good. Super 3D Noah's Ark at least has the semblance of a decent game because I knew what I was supposed to be doing, and there is an obvious line between the good and bad guys. I kept playing Left Behind only because I was convinced that at some point I would know for sure which side I was playing on. I felt like I was fighting on Satan's forces because I was the one killing people (only if my gospel singing choirs could not convert them first.)

Kirk Cameron, notorious teamkiller

The religious message--kill everyone that is not Christian, is over the top, yet easily understandable since George Bush has been putting it into practice for a good six years now. As a non-Christian I felt a little "left behind" and honestly scared to death of real-life Christians rising up in the middle of the night to over-take the earth like in a George Romero movie. If I were a hardcore Christian fundamentalist, however, I'm sure this game would really speak to me, though probably in tongues. I am intrigued by the concept of online Christian-versus-heathen warfare, however. The prospect of playing alongside our lord and savior Kirk Cameron is enough to sell many a nonbeliever on this game. Unfortunately, I get the feeling that the servers are glutted with priests seeking potential new altar boys, as anyone who's plunked down cash for this is obviously confused.

I now keep the game next to my others, and the next time a witness stops by I will break out my guitar and serenade them with a rock ballad or two, just to see if it's as effective in converting them as it is in the game. It certainly can't do any worse.

• Quality: 1.5/ 5
• Conversion Rate: 1.5/5

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