Games.net

The "dog" days of summer are in full-swing, but one Games.net editor couldn't be more miserable. Since when did virtual puppies become the epitome of video game innovation?

Hello. I am a 12 year-old Japanese girl who loves Hello Kitty and cute toys. I also love puppies, especially those in Nintendogs. My puppy plays with me and I can pet it and love it, too. It's the best puppy in the whole world.

Are you one of these Japanese school girls?

Does that sound like you, even though you're quite the opposite of being a 12 year-old Japanese girl? If it does, smack yourself in the head and get back to reality! I hate to be the one to burst the DS bubble, but Nintendogs isn't the second coming of Christ. It's just a toy and you're a sucker for buying it.

I hate puppies. Maybe I have a big black piece of coal for a heart, or maybe I'm just an uncaring monster, but puppies are dumb. Back when I was 12, puppies were pretty cool. They're all fuzzy and cuddly and do cute things all the time. But, like all normal people, I grew up. And like me, those puppies also grew up into dogs, which are big, stinky, and tend to crap or pee on everything in sight. They also like to hump your leg and drink out of the toilet. Disgusting.

So then, what's the deal with Nintendogs? Is it a game, a Tamagotchi, a desperate attempt at clinging to that one last shred of childhood innocence that you know you lost when you showed up to the prom with your cousin? Surprise, it's all of those things rolled up into one furry little ball of cuteness, bile, and 30 of your dollars!

You should have paid closer attention in Economics class, because Nintendo is taking you to the bank. You could have plopped down a few bucks years ago for a Tamagotchi, those annoying little virtual pet trinkets that essentially are the same thing as Nintendogs. You bought one, cared for the pet by pressing little buttons, and then it eventually died. It was cheap, small, and perfect for those short attention span kids who couldn't handle actually having a real-life animal. Now, you get to put down 30 of your hard earned dollars for three versions of the "game" that contain different puppies that all do the same exact thing. Innovation!

If you're going to make a real puppy simulation, I want the whole kit and caboodle. I want my puppy to get it on with other dogs, tear up my furniture, and even have to explain to my kids (using the DS microphone, of course) that after it dies, I gave him away to a nice family that lives on a farm. I also want to be able to whack it with a newspaper every now and then, you know, to keep it honest. But then again, I'm not one of the 12 year-old girls that were plastered all over Nintendo's DS E3 press kit two years ago. I'm not huddle around a picnic table with my friends, having fun with Pictochat and gossiping about the cutest boy on the varsity football team. I'm a gamer who loves games and loathes tech demos. I'm a realist.

Even though I wish Nintendogs would just go straight to the pet cemetery, I know it's going to be huge here in the US. Fanboys will rush out and buy every single edition, the special carrying case, and even the abhorrently immature DS skin. It's a fact of nature: if a quirky Nintendo product comes out, the fanboys will eat it up before they even know what it is. But, they'll be standing in line right next to Sally Q. Schoolgirl, too, so maybe there's some sweet, sweet justice after all. Heck, maybe they'll even get a date. Better yet, they could meet up and have their puppies play with each other. Romance is in the cards (the DS card, that is)!

Don't get fooled by those puppy dog eyes

I'm wagering that in a bit, Nintendo will launch a Wi-Fi service to let large numbers of Nintendorks visit virtual dog parks with their Nintendogs. But, with so many dogs, there will be some that invariably get loose from their owners. The solution: Nintendogcatcher. Imagine the idea of becoming a dog catcher on your DS, using your touch screen to swing your dog catcher's net and lock the little buggers away until they get a dose of the old "big sleep" in the event that their owners don't claim them. It's a goldmine and you will pay 30 bucks to experience it. There will also be three versions of the game that contain a variety of different dogcatchers, including a fat guy, a skinny guy, and that one guy at E3 who openly wept during the Twilight Princess presentation. You know who you are.

Did this guy cry at E3 during the Zelda presentation? You bet!

So while all of you are playing with your puppies, I'll be going back to revisit some great, actual games that I haven't had a chance to play through yet. You know what I'm talking about; real, bona fide, exciting games--those things with game-play and depth, not just a giant rat without a segmented tail playing with a ball and taking a crap on the ground. After all, if you're going to play $30 to have your virtual dog take a crap, you might as well be able to rub its own nose in it instead of your own.

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