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Director Uwe Boll struck out with his latest cinematic abortion--the dreadful BloodRayne--to the tune of a dismal $1.2 million opening weekend. But if you think Bloodrayne looks atrocious, just wait until you hear what Boll's planning for 2006.

Bad movies are bad movies, but Uwe Boll's films belong in a class all of their own. They're not just bad. They're not just low-budget. They're incompetent. They're soulless. They're reprehensible.

Avert your eyes, children--we're going in.

Dirty Deeds, Done Dirt Cheap

Boll's mainstream American directorial debut began with 2003's 'House of the Dead' ("a staggering failure on pretty much every level," noted critic Roger Moore). Aside from the titular zombies, the movie had absolutely nothing to do with Sega's popular light-gun game--except, inexplicably, for brief flashes of game footage to help flesh out the laughably inept action scenes. The film was an unmitigated disaster, and earned Boll's investors just $13 million in global ticket sales. No matter: everyone enjoyed a hearty laugh, and the matter was quickly forgotten.

But the horror didn't stop there. In early 2005, Boll struck again with Alone in the Dark, a movie "so mind-blowingly horrible" that one critic declared it "teeters on the edge of cinematic immortality." The film was so deeply, appallingly bad that it earned a score of 1% on Rotten Tomatoes. That is to say, of the 109 critics who saw the film, just one gave the film a "positive" (in actuality, lukewarm) review. Gamers despised the movie, too, because for all its high tech razzle-dazzle, Boll's "hyper-mindless" take on Alone in the Dark bore no resemblance to the video game. Even "stars" Tara Reid (looking vacant-eyed) and Christian Slater (strangely disheveled) couldn't save the film from certain box office doom. In the end, worldwide ticket reciepts dribbled in to the tune of just $6 million, roughly half the total revenue from Boll's disastrous 'House of the Dead.'

Boll Weasel

Despite those crushing defeats, Boll keeps plugging away. In fact, he's got several projects lined up, all based on B- and C-grade video game licenses. He's just unleashed BloodRayne, a Z-grade adaptation of the game series, in American theaters. Our deepest sympathies are reserved for Oscar-winning actor Ben Kingsley --who knows what terrible misfortune brought this noble thespian to the front lines of the cinematic calamity that is BloodRayne?

Michael Madsen we can understand, but Ghandi? Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

With an opening weekend gross of just $1.2 million, it seems unlikely that BloodRayne will make back more than a fraction of its $25 million production budget...let alone the $22 million Romar Entertainment spent on marketing (which doesn't count the 5,000 extra reels Romar is rumored to have ordered due to a computer error).

But it gets better. Or rather, worse. The diabolical Boll already has another patient on the operating table, and it's based on another second-tier gaming license: Dungeon Siege. Despite the obscure game license, Boll has somehow nailed some familiar names: Ron Perlman , John Rhys-Davies , Kristanna Loken , and perhaps most distressingly of all, Burt Reynolds himself. The film--now called In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale--is currently in production and is scheduled for a 2006 release. Let's just hope Boll doesn't fulfill his threats to make it a multi-episodic film, ala Kill Bill.

It's Dark and Hell is Hot

Boll's directing schedule is looking alarmingly busy these days: in 2006 alone, he's scheduled to direct a whole host of movies based on games, including middling cult hits like Hunter: The Reckoning, Fear Effect, and most recently, Postal. Distressingly, he's even expressed interest in adapting the genuinely cool PC shooter Far Cry.

Will the madness never end? The bright side is that Boll will be lucky if half of these deals see the light of day. On the other hand, Boll has already proven himself to be a tough and tenacious filmmaker, if not a talented one; in the last three years, he's seen three movies through to completion. Still, that's small comfort to the millions of gaming fans who detest Boll's rape-and-pillage approach to gaming cinema. Sure, Mortal Kombat and Lara Croft: Tomb Raider might not represent the pinnacle of cinema, but they're downright masterful when compared to Boll's crass, humorless dreck. Enough is enough.

You've stabbed us three times now, Dr. Boll. Please do us all a favor and stop twisting the knife.

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